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The development of the harmful jealous response has many influences. Childhood experiences of neglect and criticism are often the beginning of this descent into the fear of inadequacy. The disproportionate response of a person consumed with jealousy is very likely related to her particular history of intimate relationships.
If a child feels neglected, uncared for, severely and constantly criticized, unappreciated or unfairly compared to another, it would have been a good breeding ground for this kind of hurtful jealousy. Under these circumstances, it would be easy for a feeling of inferiority to take root. Because we can rarely psychologically help ourselves as children, it would then grow out of proportion as we age.
This flawed childhood foundation is often the beginning of dysfunctional relationship dynamics, which then attract us to the types of personalities which fuel the destructive dynamics. A child learns how to cope, or live day to day, in a deprived situation. He then acts the same way in adulthood, even if no deprived situation exists, which would be unlikely because learned behavior attracts the necessary environment in order to continue to exist. She'll unconsciously attract a person who will make an environment in which she can feel and act the same way as she did growing up, because that is what she was inadvertently trained to feel and do.
Instead of living, loving and enjoying, poisonous jealousy, through the learned responses of dysfunctional relationships, further entrench us in a wrecking cycle of dysfunctional relationships. We don't want to live with the pain of unreasonable jealousy and we know that something is wrong. We don't want to do that to another and we don't want anyone to treat us that way, but it keeps happening.
Cultural norms foster the belief that all men are basically unfaithful, non-committing creatures and that this is their right. Women are pictured as having to snare or snag them, and even after that to still accept the philandering ways inherent in all men. You can't trust them. This attitude breeds an atmosphere of fearful jealousy where no offense may exist. It can cause some men to exacerbate the situation by behaving in an untrustworthy way, because they may feel if I a going to be treated that way I may as well do something to be treated that way for.
On the other hand, there is the belief that women always tell lies, are always looking to mislead men and cannot be trusted. They are just like that. Remember Eve? This attitude can cause a man to feel jealous and go into a relationship determined to put his foot down, on top of his woman.
Then there's the biggie, the Mars and Venus syndrome that Dr. John Gray illuminates in his book Men Are From Mars & Women Are From Venus. Whether you believe in Dr. Gray's concept or not, you know that there is something very different about men versus women. Despite the negatives we have heard or experienced, we know that men can commit and women can be honest. Women can give men good, helpful information, and men can be devoted.
We have heard that behind every successful man is a good woman, and when men love they wear their hearts on their sleeves. The damaging form of jealousy can prevent you from ever attracting and enjoying this type of positive and healthy relationship.
Even if you were so lucky as to obtain a good relationship, this twisted form of jealousy would demolish it in quick form. In fact, it may have already happened to you and you are often remorseful that you were not able to better appreciate and handle that good relationship.
The combination of the difference in how men and women react, about which we are not taught, and the proliferation of this injurious type of jealousy in a sensitive person, is volatile and devastating. Now you know why you are always wounded through those whom you choose to love, and you know why you continuously enter torturous relationships.
In Jealousy, Part 3, I share ways to begin healing from the harmful jealous response.
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Disclaimer: Nothing in this article is meant as a substitute for psychological treatment. If you suspect that you, or someone you know, has a severe recurring or chronic problem, psychological advice should be sought. Professional medical care may be needed. The information in my article is for life improvement and enhancement. I am an avid reader and researcher, with an intense desire to motivate and inspire. As a Christian, I also spend a lot of time daily in prayer and reading the Bible.
